I just saw a hot homeless man
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
