I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
