It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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