when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
