i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
