you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
