Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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