i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
