Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I want her autograph on my taint
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
