The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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