I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
