he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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