he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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