his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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