My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
