dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
