So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This house was built for laser tag.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
