It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
