mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
