I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
