My pussy is not your playground.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
