we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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