jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
