Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
