I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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