38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
