I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think my moral compass just broke
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