Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
