Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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