I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
