Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
