New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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