My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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