cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
