oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ladies don't puke and tell
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
