Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
