YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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