Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
