Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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