I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
