i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I need to stop coming to work sober
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
