Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
