I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
