I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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