Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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