i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
