I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
