woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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