if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
