Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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