the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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